Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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