I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
