I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
