Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
