i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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