There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
