She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
