You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
