Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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