I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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