so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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