Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
