oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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