So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
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Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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