I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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