Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
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