Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
