A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
