I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
