There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
