Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
