Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
