I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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