Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
