He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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