Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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