everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
