Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
