I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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