I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize