I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
