This is not my ceiling
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize