You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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