awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
