You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
