Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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