Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
