i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
