I want you more than these girls want KFC
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
