12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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