he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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