I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
