I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
