all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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