When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
