He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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