you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
