And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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