I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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