roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
