Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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