I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
