One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
