Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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