"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
