A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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