Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
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He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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