Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
